I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize