but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
