it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
