I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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