grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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