Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
be right there i have to get my cape
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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