Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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