I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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