He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
so let's talk penis.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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