you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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