I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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