Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
