She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
How external is "for external use only"?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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