Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
