Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm at about main and main street
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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