why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
