From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
