Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
