stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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