somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
