so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
