She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
