i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
