i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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