I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
