Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
