so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
