Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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