I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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