HIV tests are more positive than that guy
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
