I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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