I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
COCAINE IS GR8
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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