Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
