I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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