How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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