today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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