Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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