I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
