My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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