Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
