Where did you get a picture of my penis
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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