I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
