you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
