"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
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