I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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