I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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