I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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