I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
