He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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