I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
