Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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