His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
