alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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