I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
