I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
