Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
