Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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