So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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