forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
