i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
