I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
