What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
